When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent,it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms.Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ ll say: “We’re in love.” perhaps this is the #1mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love.
Though this may sound not politically correct, there’s a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.
Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important? If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to Do with each other all that time?
Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can Grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life bottom line-and marry someone who wants the same thing.
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the Core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust – I.e. trust that I won’t get “punished”or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.
Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you
test? Here are some suggestions:
A) Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
(B) Are they serious about improving themselves?( or do they keep on
telling you that they’ll never change)
How does he/she treat other people? The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the Ability to give. By giving, it means the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver etc.
Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married? Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to “improve” them after they’re married. In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as Objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself in trouble because you didn’t do your homework.
If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you’ve got to learn how to
close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses and strengths. You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life together. Neither one of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can’t take someone to the altar to alter them. You can’t make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and “a life” you won’t find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
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